Whiny Wednesday

How could someone this cute be so evil?

Well let's just start by stating the obvious: This is a less than flattering photo of me. I'm looking all sorts of lumpy, schlumpadinka Mommy. Makeover anyone??!! Sigh--Okay the hard part's over.

Above is a picture of one of those moments in your life when everything seems peachy keen. Mother and daughter are posing oh-so-adorably right before Easter Sunday service. Little does the on-looker know that underneath that mother's predetermined smile there is a strong will that urges her to eat her young (if only 2 times a week) and that underneath her daughter's perfect "CHEESE" is a demon waiting to be unleashed. Case in point: Today's Events.

Today started like any other day. I rose out of bed at the butt-crack-of-dawn--or what other's like to call 7am--slowly waking up by curling up on the couch and checking my e-mail. I gave Josh a kiss goodbye and wished him a good day at work like the perfect little woman. Lennon actually sleeps in (okay, I should have known from this odd turn of events that today would be unlike any other), rises with smiles and kisses ready to start her day. Sounds great so far, right? Well it was....until the demon residing in my 2 year old decided to burst out of her like something out of the Exorcist.

Since I am trying to block out today from my memory what happened next is a bit fuzzy. It may have had something to do with her new DVD "The Princess and the Frog" and her Barbies. All I can remember is that a new type of temper/tantrum/eruption of emotion exploded from my child, which resulted in me having to perform the Vulcan death grip around her entire body until she could stop scratching every inch of my exposed skin (not to mention some of hers) and calm down. What happened to my angel baby?

After this ridiculous episode it was time to load up and head on over to Grandma Sweet's in Corvallis so Mommy could attend at scholarship workshop. Sounds so responsible, doesn't it? WRONG!!! The first 20 minutes or so of the car ride were like any other: a constant cacophony of commotion in the backseat, that is generally entertaining. But somewhere outside of Monmouth, near mile post 68, the demon decided now was the perfect time to rear its ugly head. Any and all sharp objects begin being chucked directly at me! Books, Barbies, fairy wands, hair ties and hair clips, shoes and socks. AHHHH!!! WHILE I AM DRIVING! Then the demon begins to scream bloody murder, as if she is being scrubbed down from head to toe with a pumice stone. Why, you may ask? Just cause. So what do I do? I try to contain the situation as best I can while continuing to drive.

Mother's all over the world understand the move that I had then chosen to administer. It involves a steady speed, one hand on the wheel as your other arm is contorted in such a way as to reach into the back of your car to discipline and/or appease your child in any way possible. Well, unfortunately I did not administer this move under standard regulations. I forgot the steady speed part. I was so distracted (I know, HORRIBLE excuse) by the surprising demon antics of my once sweet and darling girl that I continued to stretch my foot to the accelerator and press down--hard. I was just trying to keep up a steady momentum when a hill slowly starts to rise and fall, catapulting my car up to 70-ish (ALLEGEDLY!). By the time I noticed my speed and had composed my toddler the po-lice are hot on my tail.

Now, I am not emotionally capable of being pulled over by an officer of the law. I'll be honest: I have authority issues. I very much dislike disappointing my superiors. This includes cops. Let's forget for a moment that my once demon-like child is now cooing from the backseat, blatantly flirting with Officer What's-His-Name (I don't know who taught her that). I am sitting in the front seat just trying to hold it all together. I am trying to act like a composed, responsible mother as I answer his questions and provide the necessary paper work. Meanwhile, Little Miss Sunshine is rattling off all sorts of questions and doing everything possible to get on the officer's good side. Of course, her efforts are wasted. I get cited and fined $190.

I want to make this clear: I did not cry....at least not in front of the officer. I waited till he drove off, then I immediately had an emotional breakdown like every other normal woman on the planet. I did not make excuses for myself. So why was I deliriously drenched in my own ocular fluid? Because I inadvertently endangered my child and was deathly afraid of Josh's reaction. God forbid I EVER put my child at risk again or disappoint Josh. Catholic Guilt anyone?

Long story short--if I can even say that--not a good day. Not the worst day, but not a good day. I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, but damn it that girl needs to work on her flirting. Next time she better seal the deal and get Mommy out of a ticket!